How do I know if threesomes are right for me? How will I know if having a threesome is right for me and my partner? To help you answer this question, you will need to assess how you view sexuality and the ways in which you and your partner relate to each other. Try answering with your partner the following questions:
- What turns you on about the idea of each of us having an additional lover? What turns you off?
- Do you learn best about sex by watching others? For those that need a visual, threesome’s can be incredibly educational. When else will you ever have the opportunity to watch and participate in giving someone sexual pleasure.
- Conceptually, what is the appeal for you to have a threesome? What are your concerns?
- To what degree would you want to be open with each other about having sexual relations with others? Would you want to know all of my fantasies even if they do not include you?
- What are the potential strengths of being direct with each other about our sexual preferences, desires and fantasies? How might they be hard to handle?
- What is your biggest fear about having a threesome?
- What if sex is better with the other person?
- During the three-some what happens if I change my mind? How will we handle that situation?
- What do you imagine a threesome would look like?
- What if I liked having a threesome and you didn’t? What then? What if the roles were reversed?
- What are the limits of a threesome? Would you feel jealous if I began a casual, sexual relationship with another person?
- In what ways would you be turned on, excited, uncomfortable, jealous, relaxed etc by watching me having sex with another person?
- During a threesome, what types of sexual activity do you image we will engage in? What are the limits of sex play (no intercourse, condoms must be worn etc)?
- Would you prefer that we only play with other people together, or is it okay for us to play separately?
- Who should know about our threesome? Discuss your attitude about privacy vs open-ness. What if people that you don’t want knowing about the threesome find out?
- How would you tell our kids about us participating in a threesome?
- In your ideal world, will this threesome be a one time thing, or an on-going sexual practice?
- To what extent do each of you need to take into account the third person's feelings? Do each of you have a similar understanding? Where is your loyalty? Is it to each other? Or if you bring in a third person is it equal to each person?
Prior to engaging in a threesome: make sure you and your partner have a strong sexual foundation. The two of you must be satisfied with the quality of your sex life. You both must feel that you had good sexual communication skills and that sex feels safe and secure. Without strong communication skills and a true appreciation for the other person’s technical prowess in the bedroom can lead to problems. Threesomes will not fix a poor sexual connection.
Feeling anxious, nervous, apprehensive, excited, titillated are all normal responses to new sexual ideas. This is normal. Relax, take a deep breath and enjoy yourself.
With that being said, being pressured into participating in a threesome is a recipe for trouble. Imagine being in the middle of a threesome and then developing cold feet, your partner will likely have even more trouble truly listening to where you are at and stopping. To engage in a threesome with a lover, means that you must be willing to easily stop the sex play and meet the emotional needs of your primary lover. If all three of you are simply friends, or are all engaging in a sexual relationship as equals, then one must be willing to stop the sex play at any moment and meet the emotional needs of everyone.
Please note, for some people engaging in a threesome is a liberating sexual experience for a mature relationship. For others, engaging in a threesome is something one only does in a casual relationship. Prior to engaging in any sexual act(s) with a potential lover, find out (as best you can) what rules the other person is operating from. This will help inform your decisions about what is right for you.
Fantasies: some couples get turned on watching their partner please or be pleasured by the other woman. Some couples prefer for all three people to play with each other and be fully involved throughout the encounter. Some couples may even decide to include a combination of these two aspects. Discussing one’s expectations, hopes and desires prior to engaging in a threesome can be useful. To help facilitate this discussion, try asking your partner: “what would turn you on?;” “what would you like to see me do?;” “would you be turned on watching me play with her, or do you want to participate?;” “are there any specific erotic activities you wish to include?” Sometimes simply discussing ones fantasies is enough. Simply sharing these thoughts out-loud with another person is an intimate experience. Identifying a lovers wishlist, and letting someone know yours puts both of you in a better position to do engage in behaviors that the other person will also find pleasurable.
Comfort zones or Boundaries: p rior to engaging in the threesome each person should identify their own comfort zones and boundaries. It is important to share this with your partner. For example, how should the threesome come about? Will the two of you together go onto adultfriendfinder or craigslist to locate a willing partner? Is this something that one of you should do by yourself? Is it better to go through a friend and be set up? Or should you engage in a threesome with a friend? How much time in a week is OK to spend making this happen? Once the threesome has actually begun, what sexual behaviors are OK? Is oral sex Ok? Should dental dams or condoms be used? Is intercourse OK? What if the woman gets pregnant? Is kissing OK? And if so, what type of kissing? Who should initiate the sex play? The questions could go on-and-on. Unfortunately, sometimes one will never know exactly how one feels until it is too late, and the sexual play has already begun. What is a safe word that the two of you could use to signal to the other person that you need to stop without letting the third person know exactly why the situation suddenly stopped feeling good. At the end of the conversation try to mirror back your partner’s perspective. This will help ensure that you actually understand your partner’s sexual boundaries.
Before saying yes to a partner’s request to try a threesome be honest with yourself. Are you are in a negative mental place? Do you feel apprehensive about the idea of your partner having sex with another person? Are you the jealous type? Are you uncomfortable being naked in front of a new person? How comfortable are you with your partner being sexual with someone else? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then really think about your decision. A threesome may not be the best choice for you and your partner. Prior to making any ‘decision’ identify where your mindset is. Is your motive to have a threesome a sincere or unselfish desire to share this experience with your partner? Or is it a cover for an ulterior motive to sleep with many people?
In the ideal world, threesomes are an experience that both people will enjoy. To make a threesome work, all three people need to be on-board with it. It only takes one person dissenting to make threesomes fail.
If you opt to engage in a threesome . . . have fun with the experience. Let your imagination go wild. Take time and enjoy the moment. Threesomes have the potential of opening up an entirely different world with a whole different rulebook than the stereo typical two-person sex. With that being said, if you do opt to engage in a threesome don’t forget to practice safer sex techniques.