What is a normal amount of sex?I'm in a long-term relationship, how much sex should I be having? For many couples in a long-term relationship, the issue of having sex: finding the time, having enough is a big issue. A common question couples ask a sex therapist is : "How much sex 'should' we be having? What is a normal amount of sex (or average amount of sex) a couple should be having?" To give you a concise answer to the question what is a normal amount of sex, generally having sex one to three times a week is considered a "healthy" or normal amount of sex. The benefit here is that even if you find yourself on the lower end of this range, you and your partner are still coming together and making
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time to connect on a regular basis. Consistent connection is a key element to helping a couple grow together. The actual amount, or average normal amount of sex will vary widely depending upon the actual couple, and age stage that they are in. To give you a more expansive answer to the question what is a normal amount of sex / how much sex should I be having, the actual amount doesn't really matter. You could be having sex once a month, or twice a day, the frequency of sex in your relationship is only really an issue when there's a discrepancy between you and your partner. The difference(s) in desire, drive and expectation is what leads to fights. With this being said, it is our bias that for most couples, who wish to fully grow their intimate side of a relationship requires time and practice. Skill building, like learning a new language, or playing a sport, or even becoming a good cook requires time set aside for practice 3-4 times a week. Growth happens best when there is time to reinforce the skills. Remember, having sex with your partner once a month is still healthy and normal. The suggested number of sex three times a week is the ideal for couples who wish to maximize their growth potential. As a couple, you and your partner will have to prioritize what elements of your relationship are most important to you, and which area do you want to cultivate. In life, time is often the limiting factor. There simply isn’t enough time to do everything. How will time and energy cultivate your passionate side of the relationship? The more sex you are having with your partner, the more opportunity the two of you have to experiment, try on what you like, and find out what you don't when it comes to different styles, desires, and positions in sex. Additionally, when things do go mediocre, which always happens sooner or later, a mediocre sexual experience won’t feel so bad, because you will have had enough times where you have had a positive sexual connection that one mediocre experience won’t feel as big. Additionally, practice makes perfect. The more you practice, the more likely you will be able to identify what feels good, and what you like because your overall repertoire will be larger to choose from. The benefit of once a week sex compared to daily sex. Sex is sex, just like working out at the gym is working out. Working out once a week is a whole lot better than not working out at all. Working out, regardless of frequency gets your body moving. However, the more you workout regularly the more often you are taking care of your body, focusing on your goals, focusing on the muscle and parts of the body you are working on. The more you go to the gym, the less gaps there are in between workouts, and most likely the more want you will have to work out more. If you only go to the gym once a week have to be careful that you don’t hurt yourself and each time you have to start from square one. Whereas if you go regularly then you get to build on your last workout. The more sex you and your partner are having regularly, the more likely you are to keep the sex consistent and enjoyable. Maintaing a healthy sex frequency takes time, whether it's making the effort to carve out the time, or communicating your wants and needs with your partner, it requires thought, effort, and preparation. A healthy sex frequency is similar to someone who cooks their own healthy meals, the activity goes beyond making the meal: it requires planning ahead, buying the ingredients and fresh veggies, reading up on recipes and reading cookbooks. This type of cooking takes more time and energy than someone who eats prepared food. Maintaining your sex life is not a quick fix or a frozen pizza; it's an entire process. Something to keep in mind, the recommended average of having sex one to three times a week is the recommended average for couples in long term relationships. We recognize the amount of time dedicated to sexual intimacy in any given month or even year will be greatly dependent upon what else a couple is juggling. For example, breaking a leg and needing surgery, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, a loss of job. All of these life events impact how couples choose to allocate their time. The concept of engaging in sex 3-4 times a week is for couples who place a priority on the passionate side of their relationship or wish to make a concerted effort to grow this side of their relationship. To answer for yourself, how much sex should we be having as a couple, it's important for you and your partner to identify each of your priorities as individuals and than as a couple. You need to pick and choose what you value most, and where you want to grow. From professional development, to physical health, to raising children etc., all of these categories will take on a different meaning and different amounts of energy in your life. Lastly, the chart above does not reflect real numbers. From our perspective every couple is unique and the right answer is unique to them. It's kind of like asking what is the average number of times a person can have unprotected sex before getting pregnant. For some people the answer is once, and others the answer is hundreds of times.