Relying on porn and fantasy: Have you been struggling to ejaculate when having intercourse with your partner? Do you find yourself taking longer and longer to ejaculate? Perhaps it has always taken you a longer time than you would like; 20, 30, 40 minutes, if it all? What have you tried on your own in order to improve the time it takes to ejaculate? If you are wanting to gain more control over your body, especially during sexual intercourse, it is essential to take a look at your masturbatory practices, as well as being present during sex. Arousal aids such as porn and fantasy can be beneficial to enhancing your sexual arousal. However, too much use of porn and fantasy can lead to a reliance in order to masturbate, engage in intercourse, or ejaculate. Porn and fantasy can become distracting and interfere with your ability to be in the moment and fully aware of your sensations, and the sexual experience as a whole.
Often, men who are struggling with ejaculation during intercourse don't know why the difficulty is happening. When they begin to take inventory of what feels good or how their body responds to various stimulation, they are unaware.
If you want to develop more control over your erection and your sexual activity, start by taking a one month break from the use of fantasy or porn. This will help you gain more awareness of what feels good and how during stimulation. Removing porn and fantasy from your sexual routine does not have to be permanent, but may need to be. Refraining from porn and fantasy needs to start now and remain consistent until you begin to gain more awareness of your body during sexual activity. You have developed a negative pattern of relying on porn and fantasy to guide you during your sexual experiences, rather than focusing on what is feeling good and why, as well as focusing on who you are with.
Once you are able to refrain from the use of porn and/or fantasy, you now have more ability to focus on whats going on for you during masturbation. This is an opportunity to find out more about your body, and gain more understanding as to why you are struggling with ejaculation.
Do not be surprised if refraining from porn and fantasy is more difficult than you anticipated. It's normal for anyone to struggle with retraining their behavior. If this continues to a very difficult task for you, this may be signs of the early stages of sex compulsion. This is important to recognize, because if you continue on the path that you're currently on, you may be heading down the path of a porn compulsion.
For example, if you were asked to take sugar out of your diet tomorrow, the first few days will feel “shaky,” you will experience withdrawal, but after the first week or two, you will begin to feel cleansed, and stronger. This is experience will be very similar to removing porn and fantasy. In time you will feel stronger, and will be able to view your sexual practices and responses with more clarity and focus. You need this time to really focus in on what feels good, when, and why during all sexual activity. This is very difficulty when your mind is being pulled to thoughts of sexual fantasies, or viewing pornographic material.
A few ways to help you resist use of porn, if you typically view porn on your computer to masturbate and it's still too much of a temptation, try changing your routine by masturbating in a different room, away from the computer. If you continue to struggle with not using porn, you may discover your reliance on porn was bigger than you thought. If this is the case, consider computer software that blocks specific sites, such as pornographic websites, or purposely leaving your computer at work for a night or two to avoid the temptation. It is important to take a step back from your reliance and use of pornography to masturbate. You need all of the information you can get about yourself when it comes to how your body responds during sexual activity. How your body responds without the use of porn is an essential piece of information. Often men realize new details of their masturbatory practices and sexual experiences once stepping away from the porn.
To help you avoid use of fantasy, for now it you will need to be kept busy in a different way during masturbation. For now, try the two minute touch. To begin, masturbate by holding the shaft at the base, and when stroking, focus on the lower area, and after two minutes, switch to stroking near the tip of the shaft. Continue to try different techniques every two-minutes: hard grip/soft grip, fast strokes/slow strokes, touching your balls, or touching your inner thigh. Explore all variations you can think of by switching techniques every two minutes. Without fantasy you should be able to identify which techniques you respond to best; once you do, feel free to incorporate only the ones you like best.
Your goal in refraining from the use of porn and fantasy is not only to learn new information about how you masturbate and what feels good, but also to learn how to control your erection and responses on your own terms. In the beginning these recommended steps may feel unnatural, and you may feel a strong pull to use porn and fantasy. You may begin to wonder if relying on porn and fantasy is just how you are wired. Keep in mind, it's a new muscle you are building. Building muscle takes time, and you need to start slowly in order to gradually build more strength. This means you need to keep trying, as much of a struggle as it may, and give yourself credit when it's due. Even if you “relapse” and use fantasy one day, come back to the steps and try again. Every time you refrain from porn and fantasy use, that is more information you have to build on.