Emotional Changes for the Couple During Pregnancy
In the ideal world, pregnancies would bring all couples emotionally closer together. Pregnancy is an exciting transition period in peoples’ lives.
Pregnancy makes relationships “real”. Instead of being two people, there are three. Three or more makes a family. Now the couple has a child to care for. Children link parents together for life. Even in the event of a divorce, one can’t get rid of children. The relationship lives on forever. The child links parents together for life. In the story book world, children make all the adult problems go away. Children make each person more committed to the relationship. Their new family comes first above and beyond all other ties. Additionally, parents are more motivated to work and more professionally successful because they have a reason to care. Parenthood brings out the softer, nurturing and playful side of an adult.
Unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world, we live in Center City Philadelphia (or New Jersey or Delaware) and the transition to parenthood does not always go smoothly for couples. For example, if one person was not in agreement over having the baby in the first place, he/she could be resentful of the "new" role / expectations that are being thrust on him/her without his/her consent. Or maybe the condom broke and pregnancy occurred. Maybe the woman was the affair partner and she wants to keep the child, and he does not because it complicates his life. He simply was hoping to have a fling outside of his marriage, not another family. Pregnancy and babies in real life can be complicated. If the father to be has mixed feelings about the pregnancy, his mixed feelings may carry over into how he treats her during her pregnancy. Maybe he feels anger towards her because of her 'selfishness' which has thrust him into this role that he did not want. If this is the case, he may limit the amount that he participates in the Lamaze classes or even helps out around the house. Typically pregnancy is a time where a woman is increasingly dependent upon others for help as she struggles through, nausea, weight gain, exhaustion, difficulty walking etc. and the need for gainful employment. Maybe both adults wanted the child, but their expectations of pregnancy are vastly different not only from one another’s but the pregnancy isn’t even going as planned. Maybe she has been ordered to have bed rest. Maybe the issues are smaller. He might equate pregnancy with being sick and 'over baby' her. Conversely he may not appreciate the changes she is experiencing and how her physical and emotional needs might different on a daily basis. Similarly, a woman may not appreciate emotional changes her partner is going through. He may be worried about money, how will he support the family as she spends all her energy on incubating and initially breastfeeding this child. He might be scared about all the added responsibilities or extremely excited and unable to comprehend the woman's fear. In any of the above scenarios, intimacy often suffers between the couple as they battle out the different expectations.
Useful conversations to have before and during pregnancy are:
- The role that I see myself playing in pregnancy is . . .
- My hope for myself during the pregnancy is . . .
- My fears about the pregnancy are . . .
- What I imagine I might need from you during the pregnancy is . . .
- The role that I see you playing during the pregnancy is . . .
- I imagine having a child will put stress on our family in the following ways . . .specifically you will . . . and I will . .
- The way I imagine the finances changing during pregnancy / early childhood are . . .
- What I want for our child is . . .
- What I need to do to take care of myself physically is . . .
- Having sex during pregnancy conjures up the following images for me . . .
- The highlight of having sex during pregnancy is . . .
- The way I imagine a child might improve our relationship is . . .
- I am afraid having a child might be hurt our relationship by . . .
- While I am happy about the pregnancy, what I feel like I am losing is . . .
- The old me that I am saying good bye to is . . .
- The patterns that I saw my parents play out with me that I hope to replicate are . . .
- The patterns that I saw my parents play out with me that I hope to avoid are . . .