If you have experienced rape or sex abuse, it’s not your fault. No one asks to experience rape or sex abuse. Experiencing sexual trauma is a horrible event that can have an ongoing long term impact on your life.
When sexual trauma happens many victims, on an unconscious level start to identify ways that they contributed to the perpetrator’s abuse. On some level, if you can find a way that makes you slightly responsible for it, then there are steps that you can start to take to prevent repeated exposure to the sexual trauma. Sometimes the changes are subtle, slight changes in dress style, losing your voice — expressing your opinions less frequently, decrease in self-esteem, fear of leaving your house, and simply having a loss of innocence. Sometimes simply knowing that others are capable of emotionally and / or physically trampling on you is enough to shut down.
Sexual abuse and rape is not your fault. This realization is the first step to overcoming your loss of innocence. Furthermore, no matter how many times you re-play the scenario in your head, wondering what went wrong, you need to realize that there was nothing you could do differently that would have stopped the person. Ultimately, each person has to take responsibility for their own behavior and you simply don’t have the power to make someone who is older and / or stronger and /or in a position of power do anything.
When you accept the fact that this rape, sex abuse, sexual trauma was not your fault, you will have cleared a major hurdle in the path towards healing. However there is still emotional work to do. Even though the experience was out of your control, you do not have to let the effects take over your life. What happened was not your responsibility, but what happens afterwards is. No one but you can take control and seek help.
Not only do you have to overcome your abuse, but others, including those close to you may not understand your experience. Therefore, you will have to help yourself and then help your partner, family, and everyone else you know understand too. This will be hard, but rewarding in the end. You will learn to tell your partner when you feel uncomfortable, and how to make sure you are not in a relationship based on someone else’s control.
As you are reading this tip, take a moment and ask yourself the following questions:
- What I just read made sense to me because . . . .
- What I struggle with in this tip is . . . .
- After reading this tip, what I imagine I should be feeling is . . . . but what I really do feel is . . . .
- My fear about my situation is . . . .
- I have shared my fears about this situation with . . . .
- People who truly know the whole situation have responded by . . . . .
- The way I wish people would respond is . . . .
- The way they do respond is . . . .
- The way I respond to my own situation is . . . .
- If this happened to my friend, sibling or parent then my reaction would change and I would think . . . . .
- I imagine the long term consequences of this situation on me will be. . . .
- I hope I can learn to . . . .
- I am most vulnerable when . . . .
- As a result of the trauma, in the short term I . . . .
- As a result of the trauma, in the long term I . . . .
- The feelings that are getting stirred up in me now are . . . .
- What prevents me from seeking professional help is . . . .
- What scares me about seeking professional help is . . . .
- What scares me about not seeking professional help is . . .