It’s weird right? Why would you flirt with your husband? Well, the reasons are the same as the reasons you flirted when you were “courting/dating/exploring each other”. It keeps things spicy, new and fun.
Relationships, whether you have been together two months or twenty years, can become stagnant. Flirting can be the way to bring life back to your love life.
Before we get to the ideas of how to flirt with your husband, we need to explore some of the reasons for flirting. Why does anyone flirt? The reasons often include: to be desirable, to get someone’s attention, to let someone know you are interested, to get laid, even to make someone else jealous. So what are your reasons for flirting with your husband? Do you enjoy connection on a sexual level? Do you want to grab his attention in a new way? Do you want to add a new dimension to your love life? Are you trying to figure out if this relationship can meet your needs as you move into the next stage of your life?
Any reason you can think of for flirting with your husband is probably a good one. Flirting is a fundamental component of passion and in an ideal marriage all couples would feel sexually passionate with one another. But how is flirting with your husband done? If you’re thinking “I haven’t flirted with my husband in years or maybe even ever, how do I start flirting again? Will flirting feel weird or be received well?” I have to be honest, I don’t think your husband will be upset if he knew that your goal was to make him feel sexy and wanted. In an extreme situation walking into the living room (while all the kids are sound asleep or at school) and taking off a robe or coat while only wearing a sexy bra and pair of panties or nothing at all is not typically the type of activity that makes a person mad. Uncomfortable maybe, out of practice, awkward, but not mad. Most people want a good sex life with their wife/ husband.
That being said, the anxiety of incorporating flirting back into your relationship can be overwhelming. To manage some of the anxiety you may experience before beginning to flirt with your husband, try imaging what a positive sexual connection might feel like. Imagine giving yourself enough time to practice getting the hang of flirting. Learning usually takes practice. To prepare yourself, try creating a mantra for yourself to help you reframe your feelings. A positive mantra could be statements like: I am sexy! I am beautiful! I am an AMAZING flirt! I am desirable! It’s OK to make mistakes; my presence is all that is really required. Really anything that makes you feel good about yourself will work in this relaxation exercise and prepare you to be a flirting goddess. Remember, you are enough.
How To Flirt With Your Husband : Flirting Techniques:
(After this prep exercise, you are ready to flirt with your husband.)
- Smile. I know this may seem silly, but this simple facial expression and emotional response is the most basic act of flirting. I’m sure you have heard that laughing at his jokes makes him feel funny even if they aren’t that funny. While I am not recommending laughing at a non-funny joke because that is encouraging bad habits, what I am suggesting is smiling in approval. This shows your husband that you enjoy his presence and can make him feel heard and seen or in other words it makes him feel good. When you have a true heart-felt laughter, he will know the difference. He will then know that you truly find him funny. For the purposes of flirting, your only goal is to give positive attention. Let him know that you like listening to him.
- Give your husband your undivided attention. In this busy hectic world this basic flirting technique often goes overlooked. It’s easy to get caught up in the newest TV show or sports game that’s on when you get home from work but this can leave your husband feeling unheard and unnoticed. You can start small, take 5 minutes and try giving your husband your undivided attention. You can listen to how his day was or listen to stories about his childhood or something that is interesting for the both of you. You can even choose topics you want to talk about . . . How about the next thing you want to try during foreplay (wink). You certainly don’t know everything there is to know about each other. SO start talking and LISTENING.
As you are listening to him, a key piece is to touch him. Maybe you are putting your hand on his hand as he talks, or you are literally sitting next to him, or moving your foot closer to his, or listening within inches of his face. As you give him your undivided attention be physically close.
- Catch your husband off guard. Image being surprised with a big bear hug by your husband right when you walk in the door after a long day. This simple surprise can be incredibly sentimental and meaningful. But if you’re looking for something spicier to catch your husband off guard, try a lingering sexual hug, or sending a racy text or email when he is least expecting it. Such as, “I’m so hot for you. I have a surprise for you tonight”. This is simple, to the point and it’s almost always going to get your husband’s attention. Of course, don’t use work email, and if you are going to text him a racy message, make sure you code the message in such a way that it does not say anything that could be taken out of context or something that you might regret. Sexual safety first
- Role Play and not necessarily the sex kind. Don’t get me wrong the sex kind is equally GREAT but this is more about role-playing as if you are on your first date again. Pretend you are just meeting each other and getting to know one another. This can help you re-experience why you fell in love with each other and can excite you in the same way you were excited at that time. An example of how to do this would be to have your husband get to a pre-chosen place and sit at the bar or table (this depends on the location chosen). Then you can show up and approach him as if you are picking him up at the bar for the first time. This can be really fun and exciting. You can even pretend as if you are someone else. If you are usually shy and guarded, pretend as if you’re outgoing and flamboyant with your husband, which in this case you are meeting again for the “first time”.
- Leave a note on the mirror. For this simple flirting technique you can use lipstick or a dry-erase marker and leave a nice note on the mirror in your bathroom (or any mirror really). Something as simple as I love you because __________ (fill in the blank with the reason(s) you love your husband). Or with the lipstick state, “I got the kids a babysitter tonight and they are going out to eat. I am looking forward to spending some quite time together with you tonight.” This is often a nice surprise that is unexpected and can start the day off on a nice note.
- “Grab some flesh”. This, as you may have guessed, is as simple as grabbing his butt when he walks by you. And use the first tip along with this (SMILE). All types of touch are important. Touch makes people feel safe and wanted. Another way to imagine grabbing flesh is more along the lines of what you might have done way back when you were in high school and you got all excited about the fact that the two of you made eye contact for more than ten seconds. Let yourself become hyper-aware of his presence and let him know that you can’t get enough of him.
- When you are out (or in private) together touch him! This can be fun and an exciting surprise for your husband. This can mean just touching his arm as you’re both talking to other people. It shows him that you want to be close to him and can’t keep your hands off of him. And to add some extra excitement to the mix you could put your hand in his back pocket and give his butt a nice squeeze (but not too hard). This will unquestionably send the message that you are feeling frisky! Demonstrating the same behaviors in private sends the message that you are not just creating an appearance for others, but that this is the way you truly feel. You want him in public and in private. Your feelings are trustworthy.
- Regardless of what he says – be it critical, judgmental or neutral, respond to him as if he has just said the nicest thing to you and find a way to build upon it. For example if he tells you the kids’ toys are a mess and he wishes you would teach them to clean up after themselves, your response might simply be “I like the way you are thinking, this way the two of us would have more time to spend together. Wouldn’t it be great to have a cleaner home again? Thanks for thinking of me.” If he comes home all grouchy about work and you are tired of hearing the same old complaints, try getting physically closer to him and simply listen. In other words put your emotional reactions away and try to understand his world from his perspective. At the end of him talking, say to him “what I heard you say is __________ this is where you summarize whatever he said.” After he lets you know that you understand him, then say to him ” What I imagine you might be feeling is ____________and these feelings make sense to me because __________ (This is where you find something emotionally validating to say). As you are talking, simply let yourself get physically closer, engage in eye contact, and smile at him. Let him know that you care through your behavior. Depending on the sensitivity of what he shared – distract him with some kissing
I hope that these ideas have inspired you to start flirting with your husband (again).
Happy Flirting! If you have any questions, visit Therapy in Philadelphia for more information on marriage tips and therapy.