A guide to putting passion back into your relationship - Are you one of those couples that started off all hot and heavy? Was there a high level of excitement and passion? And now that time has passed and the relationship has deepened and grown, the sex while good has become more routine and lacks that special edge? If so, try the exercises below. With a little bit of effort putting passion back into your relationship is possible.
The passionate exercise starts with pen and paper.
1. Each partner should get a piece of paper and a pen. Separately, write down everything you can think of that turns you on and that you find erotic. Think about any fantasies that you have had or anything sexual that you wanted to try or thought was interesting. Try to make as thorough a list as possible.
2. Before you share your list with your partner, pull out another sheet of paper. On this page, write what you think your partner may have written on his or her list. Think about things that he or she might have said in the past or things that you think that he or she may find erotic and passionate.
3. Next, exchange the lists where you predicted what your partner would write. Examine the list and find out from your partner if it is accurate. Have the following discussion: What on the list surprised each of you? Why? How does each of you communicate your sexual desires, likes, and fantasies? What topics are taboo? Then, exchange the initial lists. Answer any questions and talk about the items on the list. Find out from your partner his or her reaction to the items. Does he or she find the items erotic? Would he or she be interested in trying any of the items? Does he or she have a good, bad, or neutral reaction to the items? Talk about how you would try the items or if you or your partner wanted any variation or would need to negotiate any boundaries or limits of what would be tried. Through examining these lists, you may learn something new about your partner.
4. Now that you made the lists, take it one step further and put these ideas into action. Decide which items you both find erotic and interesting. Have one partner plan a time for you to be together and sexual. This partner is not to tell the other when the planned time is. The other partner is to pick one or two of the ideas on the lists to prepare for and initiate during sexual activity. This partner is also not to tell the other what they have picked or prepared.
For the more advanced couple who want need to be more action oriented in putting the passion back into the relationship.
Often couples do not have the same sexual desires, but if you are in the mood where you are willing to please, take an item for the other person’s list and experiment with it. Your partner will likely be appreciative that you took an interest in something that he or she would like and it sends your partner the signal that it is o.k. for you both to have different sexual tastes, that you are attentive to his or her needs as a sexual person, and that you receive pleasure from watching him or her get turned on. You may find over time that you not only enjoy giving your partner pleasure, but that you enjoy the activity as well. We often don’t know what we might like unless we give it a try a few times. If you are willing to be more open to your partner’s ideas, it is likely that he or she will be more open to your ideas as well.
Putting passion back into the relationship can also be viewed from a completely different perspective. Maybe the passion is gone, not because your partner has changed, but because of you. This concept requires a mind shift. Simply put, for the next three months make passionate moments between you and your partner your number one focus. No matter what is happening, the minute your partner walks into the room, stop what you are doing and take a moment to connect emotionally AND sexually. Make him or her your number one priority.
- Ask how his/her day is. Ask the follow up questions. Give your undivided attention.
- Kiss hello and let your kiss last an extra two minutes. PDA is highly encouraged.
- Wear fancy underwear.
- Dress sexy.
- Shower every morning and evening.
- Workout & eat right so that your body will be in the best shape for your partner.
- If you are a parent, you may need to make a mental decision to be a mediocre parent while you are focusing on putting passion back into your sex life. It is hard to be “on” at all hours. Sometimes creating the space for you and your partner to connect means getting a babysitter.
- Plan surprise sex nights, which means that you have the entire night planned without telling your partner so that sex can appear ‘spontaneous’ to him / her, and if sex doesn’t happen your partner won’t feel let down because she / he had no idea.
- Invade your partner’s physical space. Find a way to touch him /her. Let your hand casually rest on him /her. Sit a little closer than normal. At a partner, stick by his / her side.
- Flirt.
- Once the overt sexual behaviors have begun, make a decision early on if the sexual behaviors will end in intercourse, or manual stimulation, oral sex or mutual masturbation. The goal is to change up the sexual interactions. Break the routines.
- Triple the amount of time spent on foreplay. Purposely slow down. Force yourself to try new ways of touching your partner.
Creating passion is about being creative and experimenting in ways that feel comfortable, pleasurable, and exciting. Sexual expression in our relationships is about sharing love and having fun.