If you are ready to take the next step to combat your fears, negative thoughts, and increase your intimacy with your partner start here. This tip is designed to help the women that are struggling with Sexlosteem during intimate moments with their partner.
Sexlosteem is the manner in which you become self-conscious of your body during intimate and sexual experiences with your partner. This can lead to moments of distance when interacting with your partner causing increased distance due to your feelings of insecurity about your body, losing yourself in pleasing your partner, and/or having your needs lost in the process. These factors make it impossible for you to be tapped in to your likes, dislikes, desires, needs, and feelings during these moments.
The problem that the lack of presence has on your partner may not be noticeable or understood by you. As discussed before in Sexlosteem, how you evaluate yourself effects how your partner responds to you. If your view is negative, your sex life as well as intimate moments are in danger. You and your partner may have created a pattern that justifies your Sexlosteem without either of you knowing it. Your partner may overcompensate by making adjustments during intimate moments which may make you feel better, but can become daunting for your partner overtime. Sexlosteem will allow you to discover, challenge, observe, and tackle your issues.
Discovering the beginning:
Evaluate the thoughts that arise about your self-image. What do you think about yourself? What evidence do you have to support this belief? What about these thoughts make you feel bad about yourself? Can you recall the first time these thoughts came to mind? What was the circumstance? Who was around? What did you feel at that moment? For instance, Marsha, a twenty-nine year old mother of one, recalled one of her earliest memories of feeling insecure.
Up until two years ago, I remember taking extra time to prep myself in the mornings before I left home in order to put on my make-up, fitted jeans, and shoes/boots. I made sure to have been well put together before I stepped out in the world. I also exercised at least three days a week to keep my athletic figure. I received compliments on my appearance and physique on a daily basis. When I went to work, I gave it my best and it paid off because I was able to get promoted from merit. I felt unstoppable, powerful, and sexy. I had my choice in suitors and was able to choose the coolest, cutest, and sexiest guy out of the bunch. About three years ago, I settled down and became pregnant with my first child. I was excited and happy to start this next phase. I was doing well at work, I had a wonderful boyfriend and relationship, and I was ready to have a baby. I expected to have an easy pregnancy which went along with losing the baby weight easily after birth. I also expected my relationship to be enhanced with my boyfriend. To my surprise, after the pregnancy, I didn't expect to gain 30 pounds. I could not exercise as I did before due to my demanding job and fatigue after taking care of my son. When I did have the extra energy and glimmers of time to spare, I chose to spend that time with my son and caring for him the best way possible. My priorities shifted and my son became the most important person in my life. He came first in front of exercising, spending time with his father, work, consistently hanging out with friends, and so on. As a result of this shift, I neglected my self-care and came to a crashing halt when I looked in the mirror and found myself to be a frumpy, unattractive, non-sexy woman that I thought I would never become. I didn't even feel like the same person inside. I didn't want my boyfriend to touch me in certain places because it reminded me that I was not as fit as I used to be and that he may take notice and find me appalling. Sex was different. I lost desire after time. My boyfriend at the time was very much in our son's life, but he become distant toward me over time and I just assumed it was because he didn't find me attractive anymore. This is what I feared most. This made me feel worse and made way for me to become harsh to myself…in my mind. I started believing that I was not good enough, I didn't deserve his affections because I let myself go, and that he was right to become distant. I just wanted to find a whole to crawl in, hibernate, and emerge as my old self.
Marsha, like many others, had become self-conscious of her body after gaining weight. Many times societal pressures make you believe that you have to look, dress, behave, and achieve above and beyond measures to fit into the perfect standard. For moms, if you don’t own your own company, take care of your children, clean your house, tend to your husband, remain in great shape, and look fabulous in every waking moment, then you are not super mom! For women without children or older children if you are not successful, or don’t own a house or car, have a romantic boyfriend/husband, and in great shape…you are lacking. Have you ever thought, “If she can do all of that, why can’t I?”
When you began doubting yourself and believing that you don't measure up, you may start to compare yourself with your nemesis, family members, celebrities/models, your partner’s ex, and sex symbols to prove your point. Thoughts that arise from your negative evaluations of yourself will lead to a behavioral change toward your partner.
For instance, let’s look at Marsha’s case to express this point. After Marsha gave birth, her hormones made her mood fluctuate; her senses had become over stimulated by her child leading to an avoidance of touch by her boyfriend; she became less affectionate due to the lack of sleep, exercise, spit-up soaked clothes, and not feeling sexy.
During this transition, her boyfriend attempted to become affectionate as well as initiated sex which was met with, “I’m tired”, “I have a headache”, “Not now”, “I have so much stuff to do I don’t have time for that”, “Can you take care of ___ so I can take a bath?”, “Umm…I am just not in the mood”.
Marsha also expressed distance by shrugging him off when he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, squirmed when he touched her midriff, legs, hips, or breast. Her feelings of being over-stimulated and fatigue and thoughts that she was out of shape and not sexy made her create distance toward her boyfriend therefore altering his experience of her.
After some time, Marsha’s boyfriend felt the distance, which was a result of her internalized experience, and became distant as well to further avoid being rejected. After a while what tends to happen is that Marsha will long for her partner’s affections and have an increase of desire for touch but will be met with resistance from her partner due to the failed attempts he encountered and distance set between them.
Unlike Marsha, there are other women who may experience Sexlosteem due to negative attitudes about sex stemming from parents, religion, social stigmas, and victimization. These experiences force an internalization of negativity about sex and make it challenging to completely enjoy it. Whichever your experience, try to overcome it by taking these steps first:
Challenging your beliefs:
As a new mother:
Experiencing motherhood is a wonderful gift. Think about what your expectations were before you were pregnant. How did you think your body would have responded? How did you think you and your partner would relate? How did you believe your life would be different? Some of your expectations may not have measured up…heck, perhaps all of them didn’t. Being a new mom suggests a negotiation of your self-esteem and child rearing.
This takes practice because guilty feelings may arise when you put yourself first at any point in time while caring for your newborn/infant baby. Discover how much attention, affection, care, and being a nurturer your child needs in order for you to negotiate your own need to nurture.
Remember, when you take care of yourself you are giving your child the best of you. Perhaps it will be helpful to devise as schedule that plans your day to include all of your child’s needs and your self-care maintenance. It will also be advised to work out a schedule with your partner to incorporate date night every week, every other week, or every month to ensure your intimacy and connection. Then follow the next tip.
As a non-mother; or mother with older children:
Challenge yourself to look in the mirror and reevaluate what you see. As you stare at your reflection, notice what you like about your body. Now take notice to what you don’t like. Why don't you like those areas? Are you judging them against a picture or other image you saw? Are you healthy? By this, are you able to lift objects and feel physically strong? What makes you feel sexy? For some women appearance is not the only evaluation of feeling sexy.
Being and feeling sexy for some woman can come after a success, achievement, or power has been established. As you are reevaluating, challenge the pressures that were shed the misconceptions about what you think you should look like so that you can embrace your unique and wonderful body that stands before you.
Just remember, your partner chose you and all of your glory if you don’t trust yourself at least trust them. Trust yourself to let go of the worries and embrace the moment so that you can be present with your partner and experience an enlightened experience.
Dress sexy every day and get rid of the clothes that make you feel frumpy, unattractive, and hidden. Take that same attitude around the house around your partner. Dress sexy outfits to accentuate favored body parts and taunt your partner by walking around the house and throwing flirty glances their way. They will love your confidence, because after all confidence is sexalicious!
If you experience unknown pressures of society, religion, and parents:
If you like the way you look and have a hard time connecting to your sexual experiences due to feelings of judgment, challenge what sex means to you and what type of negative feelings you have toward it. What type of messages did you inquire about sex? Are there certain sexual acts that make you feel “dirty”, “bad”, like a “sinner”?
Test those thoughts by inquiring data to dispel inaccurate information. Have a ladies night in with the hot topic of “Sex…the good the bad and the bad (thoughts)”. You could also read books about intimacy, sex, and experiences to form your own opinion. It might also be fun to incorporate a racy book like “50 Shades of Grey” to discuss as a girls night in.
During the conversation, you can ask exploration questions to test the beliefs of others and compare it with yours. It will be helpful to you to challenge the guilt with what you want to feel and experience without the weight of the guilt.
Be open to change your beliefs about sex by discussing your fears, vulnerabilities and wants with a therapist and your partner. A therapist can help you overcome your negative thoughts and give you tools to have a successful and satisfying sex life. Allowing your partner to be aware of your thoughts about sex can open up a door of vulnerability that will allow you to become closer to your partner. You can also follow next two steps.
Observe in context:
For mothers:
As mentioned above, you have to acknowledge your lifestyle transition in order to allocate time for you and your partner. Then follow steps below.
For all women:
Take notice of non-verbal messages from your partner. If when they kiss or hold you close and roam your body, notice where their hands end up (over your hips, legs, thighs, breasts, arms, buttocks, neck, hair, toes, etc.) because these may just be the parts that they find most sexy about you.
When in the bedroom, allow your partner to roam your goddess temple without you moving their hands or repositioning your body to take the focus from those areas. After doing so, start to realize how you feel during the moment of touch and play such as how good it feels when they touch you there, or the simple bodily pleasures his/her touch and movements are evoking within you.
Allow your partner to know how well they are doing by giving a moan, whispering how much you like when they touch you in the different areas and intensities, and simply verbalize your likes and dislikes. Yes this will allow you to be vulnerable, but keep in mind as your vulnerabilities are expressed, your fears subside, your needs are likely to get met, and your intimacy increases.
Lastly, take deep breaths and listen to your exhale as well as theirs so that you can relax your mind, which will relax your body, and allow you to reconnect with your partner with no reservations. Concentrating on your senses rather than your negative thoughts and this will enhance your experience.
Positive Talk:
Concentrating on your thoughts during sex can be redirected by concentrating on your responses to your partner’s interaction as mentioned above. Daily negative thoughts about yourself may be easy and automatic which makes positive self-talk challenging. Redirect negative thoughts to more positive productive thoughts by developing positive mantras such as, “I am fabulous”, “I feel good about who I am”, “I am worthy of love”, “I am confident and strong”, I am worthy of being treated well”, “I love myself”, “I am happy, and I will embrace it”, I am unique”, or come up with your own.
Pick mantras that are unique to you. Take time to say your mantras in the morning when you wake up so that you can take the positivity with you for the rest of the day. Say it loud and believe the message. Post them up on your dresser mirror, top of bed post, night stand, bathroom mirror, or any place that is visible for you to read when you are home.
If you live with someone and will be embarrassed to have your positive messages posted, you can also use a charm, piece of jewelry, hair accessory, heirloom, etc to remind you during the day of your message to yourself. Envision how you will feel with improved self confidence and how your partner will respond to you. Start to feel your confidence increase by combining all steps in your daily life.
These steps are the first in helping you become more aware of your negative evaluations of yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself and evoke the warrior within to enhance the way your partner responds to you which in turn will enhance your satisfaction.