Developing a Sexual Self

 

Developing a Sexual Self Exercise (from The Center for Growth in Philadelphia) Do you feel unattractive?  Are you disconnected from your body?  Are you having bad sex with your partner?  Does sex seem undesirable?  Do you wish you could be more open with your partner?  If you answered yes to any of the above questions, try the developing a sexual self exercise.  Without involving sexual contact, this exercise can help you to build positive intimate experiences with yourself and your partner, build positive experiences with sexual or sensual touch and feelings, strengthen communication between you and your partner, and relearn touch.

Level I-Developing a Sexual Self: It’s important for your self-esteem, confidence, and even your relationship with your partner to feel sexy and positive about yourself.  If you don’t even like your own body you won’t be open to others liking it either.  If you feel good about your body you are going to feel and act more confident.  You will draw positive attention to yourself and will be open to your partner’s attraction to your body.   The goal of this level is to identify what you find attractive or unattractive about yourself and why.  The reflection questions will also help you examine how your feelings about a certain trait may be related to the commentary you received growing up about this trait and experiences with sexual trauma.  This part of the exercise will also help you become more aware of the influence of the messages that you received about body and personality.  Knowing what you bring into the bedroom is helpful because you will be more aware of how it is playing out in the bedroom.  Set aside thirty minutes to complete this exercise.  Take a piece of paper and make two columns.  In the first column, write down ten aspects of yourself that you find sexy or attractive.  In the second column, write down traits about yourself that you find unattractive.  Consider both physical and personality traits. Be specific. Do not just list “legs,” but rather, “defined calf muscles.” After initially jotting down your list, give yourself a week to add or change anything.  After a week reflect on what you find attractive or unattractive about yourself.  Set aside at least one hour for this exercise.   Return to the first column that lists the qualities about yourself that you find attractive.  Asking yourself the questions below will help you to identify what you find attractive about yourself, what influences your beliefs that this trait is attractive, how your feelings about this trait have changed over time, and how you show this trait to others.  This information is important because it will help you better understand the numerous factors over time that contribute to your belief that a particular trait is attractive.

• 1) Why is this trait sexy or attractive to me?
• 2) How do I show off this my partner? To others?
• 3) What were the messages I received about this trait as a child, as a teen, as an adult? Consider both positive and negative messages.
• 4) How is this trait positive or negatively associated with any significant events in my life?
• 5) How have my feelings about this trait changed over time?

Now ask yourself the following questions about the qualities you find unattractive which should be listed in the second column.  The questions below are designed to help you identify traits about yourself that you find unattractive and why you believe these traits to be unattractive.  Answering these questions should help you better understand the contributing factors to your belief that a particular trait is unattractive and assess how realistic the belief may be.

• 1) Why is this trait unattractive to me?
• 2) How do I hide this trait from my partner? To others?
• 3) What were the messages I received about this trait as a child, as a teen, as an adult? Consider both positive and negative messages.
• 4) How is this trait positive or negatively associated with any significant events in my life?
• 5) How have my feelings about this trait changed over time?

 

Level II-Developing a Sexual Self: Viewing Your Partner as a Sexual Being: In this level, you will think about the aspects of your partner that you find sexy or attractive and the qualities that you find unattractive.  The goal is to better understand and examine your beliefs about why a particular trait is attractive or not.  These questions can be the foundation for a deeper understanding of how you view your partner as a sexual being.  Greater understanding will help you test the reality of your beliefs, gain awareness to the contributing factors of these beliefs and allow you to see how you might want to modify the way you communicate these beliefs to your partner.  Allow thirty minutes for this exercise.  Understand that you will also be able to revisit and add to your lists over the week.  Divide a piece of paper into two columns.  Write down ten things that you find sexy or attractive about your partner in the first column.  In the second column, write down the qualities that you find unattractive.  Again, be specific and consider physical traits and personality traits.  After you have had a week to add and make changes to your lists set aside at least one hour to reflect on your lists.

Ask yourself the following questions about the traits in the first column or the traits that you find attractive in your partner:

• 1) Do I recognize some of the same traits in me?  Does that make me more or less empathetic?
• 2) Why is this trait sexy or attractive to me? What is the story I tell myself about this trait?
• 3) Does my partner consider this trait an asset?  How does my partner feel about this quality?
• 4) How do I communicate to my partner that I find this trait sexy or attractive to me? Is the message accepted? If not, what could I do to ramp up the compliment so that my partner can start to believe this trait is positive?
• 5) What are the benefits of sharing this information? Or withholding positive feedback?
• 6) How is this trait positively or negatively associated with my sexual experiences?
• 7) How have my feelings about this trait changed over time?

 

Next ask yourself similar questions about the qualities or traits you find unattractive in your partner, which should be listed in your second column.  The purpose of these questions is to help you realize what influences your belief that a certain trait is unattractive.  Knowing what influences your belief will help you make a realistic assessment of what you may be able to adjust to increase your sexual connection with your partner despite the unattractive traits.

• 1) What makes this trait unattractive to me? Could a different partner pull off the same negative quality? Would other people react in the same manner? Or is my reaction unique to me?
• 2) Is my partner aware that I find this trait undesirable? In what ways are my feelings revealed to my partner?
• 3) How does my partner feel about this quality?
• 4) How do my responses help/hurt our overall sexual connection?  In what ways if at all do my negative sexual reactions keep me from becoming truly sexually intimate with my partner?
• 5) How is my partner’s particular trait positively or negatively associated with any significant events in my life?
• 6) How have my feelings about this trait changed over time?
• 7) What could I do differently to promote sexual intimacy despite my feeling that a particular trait is unattractive?

 

Level III-Developing A Sexual Self: Sharing With Your Partner:  The goal of this level is to gain insight about how you and your partner can approach each other more effectively when communicating about what you find sexy or attractive. This level will first require your partner to do some work individually.  Your partner will focus on just traits that they find sexy or attractive about you.  Sharing with your partner the things you find attractive about them and vice versa, will help each of you feel more confident.  People who are more confident in themselves as attractive and sexual beings are more likely to take sexual risks.  These sexual risks may increase the chances of your stumbling upon something you enjoy sexually, thus increase your pleasure, increasing feelings of intimacy with your partner and breaking a boring sexual routine!  Remember focus on the positives.  Sharing your negative feelings about a trait is going to take away your partner’s confidence and increase their anxiety.  You don’t want anxiety between the sheets-it’s a sexual buzz kill!

Ask your partner to set aside thirty minutes to create a list of ten things they find sexy or attractive about you. Explain that they should be specific and include both physical and personality traits.  For example, if you find your partner’s voice sexy do not just write “your voice.”  Instead say something like, “ your voice quality is sultry and the sultriness makes me think I am going to be taken away to a fantasy land…which is a big turn on for me.”  Allow your partner to reflect on their list over the week with the following questions:

•   1) Why is this trait sexy or attractive to me? What is the story I tell myself about this trait?
• 2) How do I communicate to my partner that I find this trait sexy or attractive to me? If I really feel it is positive, what could I do to increase the positive communication around it?
• 3) How does my partner feel about this quality?
• 4) How have my feelings about this trait changed over time?

As you do this exercise remember that sometimes taking a trait that you’re your partner isn’t comfortable with, but you truly like, and sexing this trait up will you’re your partner experience you as the best lover ever.  By sexing up their worst quality you are lowering their anxiety.  By lowering their anxiety you make it feel safer for the real them to come out in the bedroom.  Being not only accepted but valued in the bedroom is the ultimate gift.

After your partner has had a week to reflect, set aside two hours where you can share the traits you find attractive about your partner with your partner.  Each partner will take a turn sharing a trait they find attractive.  Make sure to explain why you think a particular trait is sexy or attractive.  After you or your partner shares about a particular trait, thank your partner.  Identify the positive feedback about a trait that you had difficulty accepting and share this with your partner.  Then have your partner spend extra time and attention on this trait over the next ten weeks (see next level) and experiment complimenting this trait in different ways.  Try kissing that body part, adding more touching, or showering your partner with more verbal comments.  Also, make sure that each of you should ask yourself what is the best way for my partner to approach me if he or she wants to share their attraction to me in a way that I will be able to hear them? You may not know that answer.  If you do know the answer, share this with your partner.

After sharing with each other, each of you should think about over the week what it was like for you to tell your partner what you find sexy about him or her and what it is like for you to receive feedback from your partner about what they find sexy about you.  Ask yourself is this what I expected?  Why and why not?  Keep in mind that for some couples this is hard work and you may need to practice this exercise several times before it starts to feel comfortable.  Remember part of good sex is making your partner feel safe.  Being vulnerable is hard work no matter how “good” one gets at sex.  Being emotionally open and connected to yourself and your partner is very hard work.

Level IV - Developing A Sexual Self: Hearing Your Partner: The goal of this level is to begin to exchange positive feedback about the traits you find attractive in one another based on the way each of you expressed how you are best able to hear and accept this feedback.  This part of the exercise will help you learn that you can share what you like about your partner or receive feedback about what your partner likes about you without these compliments leading to sexual contact.  For five weeks, at least two times each week each of you will tell the other one thing that you find sexy or attractive about him or her. Try both planned or spontaneous expression. Incorporate intimate touch like cuddling, hugging kissing, etc. in your communication. However, both you and your partner should understand that this touch is not meant to escalate to sexual activity.  Make sure to give your partner feedback about his or her approach.  In this stage, the focus should be on how each of you can best express what you are attracted to in your partner.  Each of you should give the other feedback about his or her approach throughout the five weeks. Consider what works and does not work and share this with your partner.  Make necessary changes to your approach over the five weeks.  Try the following in your approaches to give your partner feedback: keep eye contact, use “I” statements, do not use slang to refer to body parts, try different types of touching or kissing of the particular trait, make sure your body language matches your words, watch your tone of voice and try complimenting at different points during the day and even when you are away from your partner via a note, text, email or a voicemail.

Remember…experiencing real change in the way you think about your body and how you communicate with your partner takes real work.  Understand that feeling good about your self and your partner is not something that changes overnight.  People often have to not only debunk the negative commentary they have received over their life about a particular trait but have to begin to see this trait more realistically and positively.  Learning to communicate differently with your partner also takes time especially if you are both used to your current pattern regardless of whether it is beneficial or not.  Be open to your partner’s feedback and be honest in your feedback to your partner.  Be patient with yourself and with your partner as you develop a sexual self.

A note for people with low sex drive…A low sex drive could be the result of numerous factors: low self-confidence, resentment or anger towards your partner, a side-effect of a medication, a true difference in sexual desire, being bored with your sex life, a medical condition, stress from a major life change, etc.  Regardless of the reason, you can take steps to maximize the sex drive you do have or to increase your sex drive.  The Sexy Talk exercise can be useful in this task by helping people with low sex drive explore the potential causes of their low sex drive through the reflection questions.  By beginning to think differently and more positively about your body and your partner’s body you may find your sex drive increase.  Finally, by helping your partner learn how you best receive feedback about your body, and vice versa, you will begin to hear more positive things hopefully increasing your self-confidence and thus your sex drive.

A note for survivors of sexual trauma…This exercise can be useful for survivors who are taking a vacation from sex.  The Sexy Talk Exercise is helpful for survivors who 1) experience difficulty identifying what is sexy and/or attractive about themselves, 2) experience discomfort or anxiety about thinking of themselves as sexual beings, 3) find it challenging to express what they find attractive about their partner, 4) struggle with believing that receiving or giving feedback about your or your partner’s body does not have to lead to sex, 5) feel embarrassed or ashamed about their body and 6) associate a specific body part or personality trait as part of their sexual trauma.  This exercise can be useful for couples who struggle with communicating about what they like in their partner.

This exercise can help you: 1) Identify what you find attractive about yourself, 2) Increase your awareness about how your feelings or beliefs about your body are related to your sexual trauma, 3) Gain insight into how the messages you received about your body and personality influence the way you view your body, 4) Identify what you find sexy or attractive about your partner, 5) Gain insight into how you and your partner can approach each other more effectively when communicating about what you find sexy or attractive, 6) Develop positive experiences with expressing yourself and receiving feedback about what you or your partner finds sexy, and 6) Learn that you and your partner can share what you like about each other with intimate touch without this exchange leading to sexual contact.