Too Busy for Sex
Your daughter forgot to tell you about the school project that’s due tomorrow. Your son’s soccer game starts in 45 minutes and the washer just broke. Your toddler got a raisin stuck up his nose, and there’s a huge deadline at work. Are you too busy for sex? Does the mere thought of getting naked and being sexy exhaust you? Join the club! So many of us are stuck in the frenzied pace of work, kids, family responsibilities and daily minutia that our sex lives are all but forgotten! Sometimes, sex can get monotonous or routine between people who are in a long-term committed relationship. What can you do if you are truly too busy for sex? Keep reading for seven practical suggestions to jump start your sex life.
1. Redefine what “sex” means:
Many people think of “sex” as strictly intercourse with orgasm as the goal. While that is one form of sexuality, it is certainly not the only form! This definition is very limited; therefore, if you live a very busy life, the odds that you and your partner will “hit the mark” is reduced dramatically. Think of it like the bulls eye in target practice. If the “target” in the middle is very small, it’s that much more difficult to hit. But if the goal is hitting the board anywhere, your chances of “scoring” just increased significantly.
Sexual expression can take many forms. Some examples include passionate kissing, intimate touching, erotic massage, sensual dancing, talking “dirty,” cunnilingus and fellatio (oral sex), bathing your partner, cuddling and many more. If you expand your definition of sexuality to include some of these other forms of intimacy, this increases the odds that you and your partner can create more frequent satisfying encounters. You may be too busy for sex if that means a long, romantic evening with dinner and wine, several hours of alone time, fondling, intercourse and simultaneous orgasm. Adjust your expectations to include other forms of affection (i.e. a shower together or some passionate kissing). These expressions are much easier to work into a busy schedule, and they also increase your sense of connection to each other.
2. Think of sex as a “fun investment:”
Consider the time and effort you put into your career. You probably spent years pursuing an education, and continue to learn and grow through ongoing professional training. These are “investments” in your future in your chosen profession; your value increases the more you “grow” yourself and your skills. If you’re “too busy” to grow professionally, chances are your earning potential will not increase nor will you create new opportunities for yourself.
Likewise, how realistic is it to expect to have a sizzling sex life when you put little to no effort into enriching it? How important is it for you and your partner to have a fulfilling sex life ten years from now? In order to maintain a passionate connection with your partner into the future, you must “invest” time and energy now in order to continue reaping the rewards.
3. Clarify what makes your partner feel loved:
Research tells us that people tend to give love to others in the way that we would most like to receive love. Ironically, however, most partners have different preferences of how they like to receive expressions of love and affection. Some people prefer physical touch while others value quality time and intimate conversation more. Others feel loved when their partner does something nice for them (e.g. picking up the dry cleaning, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, taking out the trash etc.). Take the time to talk with your partner about what specifically makes him/her feel loved and cared for. Then, make a conscious effort to communicate your love in the way(s) that are most meaningful for him/her, not necessarily the ways that you prefer. This will also increase the chances that he/she will be more conscious to demonstrate love to you in the ways you like most.
4. Increase your own sense of sexiness:
This is probably where people have the greatest difficulty. How you perceive yourself and your own sex appeal has everything to do with how interested you are in connecting intimately with your partner. Are you truly too busy for sex, or is your sexual confidence suffering to the point where it takes too much effort to address? How you feel about yourself is your responsibility, not your partner’s. Fortunately, there are many things you can do for yourself to boost your confidence and thereby increase your interest in getting it on! Here are a few ideas:
Get a haircut (try something different if you’re feeling especially bold)
Get a professional massage (this can often help you “reconnect” to your own body)
Buy and “model” some sexy clothes (lingerie comes in all sizes)
Reflect on a particularly satisfying sexual encounter when you felt desirable. Remind yourself that you are still that sexy!
Practice thinking of yourself in “sexy” terms (“delicious,” “succulent,” “sizzling,” “hot,” “juicy,” “bold and raw,” “soft and silky,” “strong and wild”)
Exercise! There is no more powerful way to increase your sex drive than to move your body in some way. Exercise has been proven to improve mood by releasing “feel good” chemicals in the brain, increase energy, improve stamina, enhance sleep and boost self-esteem. This doesn’t have to mean a triathlon. Simply taking a brisk walk can yield the same benefits as a prolonged workout. Get out and move!
Confidence is sexy; however, it doesn’t come automatically. It requires self-care, openness about your needs and desires and the willingness to experiment.
5. Add variety:
Building on the first suggestion of adjusting your definition of “sex,” consider trying some new things you may not have explored yet. This might include role-playing, erotica, sex toys, initiating lovemaking in different places or at different times, teasing and flirting throughout the day to “build up the anticipation,” masturbating together or in front of each other, finger painting etc.
Make sex a priority, not something that “may” or “may not” happen. Schedule time (even if you don’t tell your partner) that you can connect with each other. This way, it can feel spontaneous to your lover, but also communicate the value you place on your sexual connection.
6. Add adventure:
Combining adrenaline with any activity causes additional chemicals in the brain to imprint the memory. If you’re connecting intimately while creating fun memories with your partner, this is more likely to be encoded as a very positive memory upon which you can build in the future. For example, you could meet your partner for a planned lunch, shopping trip etc. wearing only a long coat (with nothing underneath). Your meal or shopping may be somewhat shortened, but it will certainly create a fun and adventurous memory!
7. Turn off the tube!
Statistics say that couples who have a TV in their bedroom have sex HALF as often as couples who do not. This is one very quick and simple way to DOUBLE the frequency of your sexual encounters!
The bottom line is that we are all busy. Managing careers, raising kids, dealing with financial pressures and caring for family members often take our focus away from our love relationship. Monotonous or “routine” sex is common in long-term relationships but diminishes interest in reconnecting in a physical or sensual way. This often leads to the faulty conclusion that we are “too busy for sex.” But a few small mental shifts can make a big difference in your level of connection to one another and your willingness to make the time for intimacy.