How often do you think about if you are lasting long enough in the bedroom as opposed to lasting too long? Worried about your sexual performance because of how quickly you achieve orgasm during intercourse? There is a ton of emphasis in our culture about sexual performance equating with how long a guy lasts until he orgasms. Tips for lasting longer may be some of the first things a man learns about sex from their friends, family, or the media. It is rare for men to hear that everyone takes varying lengths of time to achieve orgasm and that many women prefer faster intercourse. You also do not hear about focusing on enhancing the quality of your own and partner’s pleasure. There is not a conversation starter pack for how to communicate with your partner about each other’s expectations for how long intercourse should be. In the media cumming too quickly is emphasized as less masculine or experienced than others. There are medications, creams, condoms, blog posts, etc. to help men last longer all over media and little to no discussion about the wonders of shortening the time to achieve orgasm and improving the overall quality of the sexual experience
Why the lasting long as possible myth is dangerous…
When a guy is taught to last as long as possible, many will do so by thinking of many asexual things in order to delay his orgasm. This is an effective method to lasting longer. It works. help you accomplish the goal of lasting longer. However, this asexual strategy is harmful to you because it brings you out of your body’s sensations. You are teaching yourself to not focus on the pleasure you are getting in the moment. This strategy also can backfire as your partner may feel you disconnecting from your body. She could interpret your energy as something other than your truth of just trying to last longer. She could take it personally. Think you are not that into her. She may even believe that you are not skilled at intercourse, the exact thing you are trying to avoid!
There are benefits to trying to last longer. The concept of lasting longer does not come out of nowhere. Many men try to hold off on having their orgasm in order to help their partner experience more pleasure and have an opportunity to also achieve an orgasm. Where it gets dangerous is wanting to last so long that you teach yourself to delay the orgasm beyond what feels good for both you and your partner. In extreme cases, it may not be as helpful to her pleasure as you assume it to be.
Other guys may do the sexual activities they find least pleasurable for a length of time until they feel more in control of their orgasm. Choosing an activity that is not as pleasurable for you (won’t lead to orgasm) is problematic in that it sends a message to your partner that those are the behaviors you do like and find arousing. These strategies may temporarily work to delay your orgasm but won’t help you resolve the underlying issue. Conquer the issue of being able to orgasm in the time frame that works for your partner will require not only body awareness but communication skills. Knowledge of your body and communication skills will help you and your partner conquer the issue.
The messages prevalent throughout media show the extremes of premature ejaculation (orgasming too quickly) or tantric like sex where it lasts way over the 6-minute average and is evident of lasting long/delayed ejaculation as seen in pornography. With these extremes, it makes sense that most men strive for the latter rather than the former and feel inadequate when their performance falls somewhere in between these timelines.
Some men are so good at teaching themselves to last long that they can have difficulty orgasming during intercourse. Sometimes men often also want to reduce the chances of pregnancy so they are used to pulling out or feeling okay about a delayed or nonexistent orgasm. These men may only realize that it is an issue when they actually are with a woman who is vocal about wanting to have faster sex, or when they are trying to have children.
What lasting too long does physically…
The other is that this can be harmful to their female partners. Many women prefer intercourse to last no longer than 15 minutes. Some women even have painful sex and the whole process of intercourse is difficult. Coupled with the man trying to delay their orgasm actually hurts their partner. Often, women enjoy foreplay action more than penetrative intercourse.
Women who experience discomfort during intercourse especially may rather say no to sex completely, just to avoid how long it will take due to their discomfort during or how many other things they have to do that day. Longer intercourse may require a longer recovery period time where your partner’s pelvic floor muscles are sore making the length of intercourse actually contribute to your partner wanting to avoid becoming sexual with you for fear of the potential pain. Think of your own refractory (time after orgasm before being able to get aroused/achieve an erection again) period. Women have less visible signs of arousal than getting an erection is for men. Women may not be vocal about soreness or recovering from intercourse that lasted too long when they were not able to stay lubricated throughout intercourse. Then their discomfort can last hours or days after intercourse.
Emotional Damage of the Myth..
Hyperfocusing on how long before you orgasm during intercourse may come from a place of insecurity for you. This takes you out of your body in the moment and can distance you from your partner and the overall experience that intercourse can be. Wherever you learned to doubt yourself and the capacity for someone else to want to be with you contributes to more behavioral and emotional issues. Even if you are able to teach yourself to last 45 minutes, there are other aspects of being a good partner and how to maintain a healthy relationship are still there.
Lasting longer and longer nor having a bigger penis is not going to convince a partner to fall in love with you. These myths perpetuate toxic masculinity that fosters low self-esteem and real problems in relationships. If you have noticed your need to last longer playing into deeper emotional issues impacting you or ability to stay in relationships, you may need a sex therapist to help you work through it.