Pressure to orgasm: A long time ago, someone declared that an orgasm equals a successful sexual encounter. If one could not assist their partner in achieving this feat, then they were seen as an unsuitable partner. I’m here to stop people from placing pressure on their partners to orgasm so that the real fun can begin.
The first step is to remind yourself that pressuring your partner to have an orgasm is not validation that you are “good in bed”. Having an orgasm may simply be a reflection that the person is easily orgasmic! Your partner can have the sensitivity and mindset to achieve not only one, but multiple orgasms during a sexual encounter. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are many reasons why a person may struggle to have an orgasm. Some circumstances include side effects to medication, medical conditions, or physical pain/surgery (especially to the genitalia). It is also important to realize that not being able to orgasm could be a result of inexperience, lack of body awareness, difficulty communicating pleasure/ displeasure, as well body issues, insecurities, need for control, and a past history of sexual trauma.
A better framework to understand sexual pleasure is to focus on each of your sexual comfort and enjoyment. If you both are becoming intimate, then each of you have already deemed each other worthy of sharing in this hedonistic moment. By focusing on the moment, you are showing that an emotional, spiritual, and physical pleasure and comfort is more important than placing pressure on your partner to show their joy by having an orgasm. That is like taking a child to a carnival and forcing them to smile the entire time instead of letting their enjoyment occur naturally. Creating a safe space is allowing your partner to verbally address their concerns in a nonjudgmental environment. This can even be done in a fun and exciting way by open up communication of favorite fantasies, or certain acts you want to try. Creativity is a gateway to open communication in all aspects. This can be done before, during, or after a sexual encounter.
For a couple who enjoy who enjoys using their words, here are some example questions to ask:
- What is a sexual act you have always wanted to try?
- What is your favorite sexual position?
- What is something that I do that you enjoy when we are intimate?
- What is one thing you would love me to try the next time we have sex?
- What body part do you love being kissed? Touched?
- What is your favorite thing about my body?
- What is your favorite thing about your own body?
- What is something I do that turns you on?
- What is your favorite quality about my sexual personality?
- What does “having an orgasm” mean to you?
- What is one way I could give you positive feedback to show my enjoyment while we are intimate?
- When have you felt any pressure from me sexually?
Any of these questions, or creating your own, will help spark a conversation to help you gauge the comfort and enjoyment level of your partner.
For a couple who doesn’t like using words in the bedroom, some non-verbal examples of useful communication are:
- Exaggerated moaning / groaning to represent positive or negative reactions
- Exaggerated body movements to demonstrate level of engagement
- Using your hands to guide your partner to the way that you want to be touched
- Simply initiating sexual behaviors that you find pleasurable
- Taking a half hour and giving yourself permission to be focused on your own sexual pleasure without worrying about your partners needs, then taking a half hour to focus on giving your partner pleasure
- Playing the mirror game, where you try to touch your partner the way they are touching you. Specifically matching their pressure, speed and location of movement / touch
The next step is creating the perfect environment for orgasm. In order to achieve the end result you desire, physical stimulation is important, but inferior to having a comfortable, relaxing state of mind to let your partner succumb to pleasure. By putting pressure on your partner by expecting them to “finish”, this is waking them out of this mindset, causing the opposite effect. Instead of having them feel comfortable, they are now isolated in guilt and remorse, creating a tense environment. In order to create this safe space, it is important to make sex fun and exciting. Make a game out of not allowing either one of you to orgasm, taking the stress off and enjoying all of the other aspects (such as foreplay) that bring back that pleasure and intimacy. You can also use positive reinforcement by using verbal praise, tell your partner when you are enjoying something, moaning, body language, and succumbing to the passion of the moment. Positive feedback helps your partner feel wanted, all while taking the pressure off of them.
When you focus on the act of completion (orgasm), you can subconsciously create a negative reaction to the effect that you desire. Pressure to orgasm causes frustration, insecurity, and resentment. If you have a partner that is struggling with insecurity for example, pressuring them by asking them consistently if sex “feels good” and when will they finish, causes an already uneasy person to feel inadequate, especially if they worry about hurting your feelings. A successful sexual encounter is both partners having fun, relaxing, and enjoying each other, all of which do not include coercion.
Orgasms are an intense wave of pleasure, but in order to achieve it, one must be mentally relaxed, in the moment, and comfortable. By increasing the pressure on yourself or a loved one to achieve this state of bliss, it will only hinder your chances of this occurring, and nobody wants to be the cause of that!