Many couples come to sex therapists for help with their sex lives. Sometimes couples have lost the spark and need help spicing their sex lives back up. Others encounter sexual dysfunctions like painful sex, erectile disorder, low desire, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or not achieving an orgasm. Often times people expect that sex is just something that should naturally happen and not take any work. However, many people find sex a challenge in their relationships. It is important for these couples to shift their focus from what was not working and explore new sexual exercises together. Regardless of the sexual challenge you have had, outercourse games can help you reconnect with your partner in sensual and playful ways.
Although it will sound completely counterintuitive, it is really important for you to NOT end up having sexual intercourse. Intercourse means sex that is penetrative. Outercourse activities include all types of sexual intimacy where there is no fingers, fists, sex toy, or penis penetrating a vagina or anus. Penetrative sex can be a separate interaction or built up to after a few sexual exercises of outercourse.
These sexual exercises can be modified for different ability statuses and the level of intimacy you currently have with your partner. In each game, you will take turns with your partner before moving onto the next one.
Outercourse exercises serve a few purposes.
- Safety
- Trust
- Communication
- Playfulness
- Anticipation Building
- Insight into each other’s touch preferences
- Enhance reading your partner’s energy and communication around pleasure
Sex Position Twister
With your clothes on, you and your partner must take turns thinking of positions you could have intercourse in. You have to teach your partner how to get into this position with you.
2 Rounds:
In round 1, you can only tell your partner how to assume the position using your words only. You cannot place their bodies where you want them.
Example: To get your partner in a spooning position you would instruct them to lay down on the right side of their body, pull their knees into a 45-degree angle, and lift up their left leg. Then, put yourself as the little or big spoon and talk about the pros and cons of this position.
Round 2, you cannot use your words, you position each other only by sculpting their body.
Example: Sculpt your partner into the spoon position. From your partner sitting upright, you gently lean their shoulders back towards the bed. Then shift one of their shoulders to be stacked on the other and pull their knees up so they are open and loose. Put yourself into the little spoon and grab your partner’s arms towards where you want them around you.
Advanced! Look up unique sexual positions you have not tried before and redo the rounds for even more sexual exercises.
20 Questions
This one is way more intimate when nude, however starting with nudity and the lights on is for advanced outercoursers. You and your partner should decide whether you should play it safer with the lights and your clothes on or if you are ready for more advanced outercourse.
Find the body part: Vocal Round
One partner will think of a place on their body they want to be caressed. The other partner has 20 yes or no questions they can use to locate this body part. Throughout the question and answer portion, you are not allowed to touch each other. Once getting the body part correct, the partner who thought of the body part will caress the guesser in the way they were imaging being touched for 5 full minutes. The goal of the giver here is to show your partner how you prefer to be touched so they can experience it. The receiver's goal is to take in their body’s sensations and learn more about your partner’s touch preferences.
Find the body part 2: Tactile Round
Think of a body part again. Repeat body parts are okay since this activity will seem completely different. This time you will maintain eye contact with each other and only use touch to find the body part. Communicate through your gaze. Once arriving at the body part, you imagined, take turns mirroring the type of touch on each other. If Lucy picked the elbow, Sam will use their hands to explore Lucy’s body until they find it. Lucy will extend her touch back to Sam and touch it one way for 1 minute. Sam will try to touch Lucy’s elbow is the exact way that Lucy just touched theirs. If Lucy scratched, Sam will use scratches. The goal here is to mirror each other’s touch and communicate using only tactile cues.
Find the body part 3: Oral Round
This is for the advanced. To get to the body part your partner is thinking of, you will use your mouth. Kiss, lick, peck, or smooch your way around your partner’s body. The receiver can only use noises to indicate when you are getting closer to orally discover the body part they had in mind. Before starting, come up with the final moan or groan to indicate getting it correct. Allow yourself to experiment with different oral motions on the body part they picked. Let their sensual noises guide you.
Texture
Both you are your partner will find 5 household items with different textures. This gives you 10 different tools to use on each other.
Advanced: add a blindfold! Do not share your objects with each other. Keep them on different sides of the bed. Begin using them on each other’s backs until the partner being touched can guess what the item is. Give a few tries and if they cannot guess make sure to not rub it in each other’s face, but to surprise them playfully with what you have in your hand.
The only goal here is to describe to each other as best you can what that object feels like on the given body part. You will take turns with each object on 3 different body parts. The giver will try to guess which body part they enjoyed the object on the most. The receiver will clarify if the giver was correct or if they actually preferred a different zone.
Do not be surprised if these sexual exercises bring up challenges for you. We find that some people are more auditory, verbal, or nonverbal communicators so stepping outside of your comfort zone is really nerve-wracking. Hopefully, without the pressure to end in sexual intercourse, outercourse can help you and your partner work on these skills. If you run into more challenges than the occasional giggle or awkward fumble, you may need a sex therapist to guide you through establishing more safety before trying such unique sexual exercises.