Now that you know a little about how the Negative Velcro Loop starts getting into autopilot with your partner, by not having the awareness of what you are feeling, or by having the awareness of your experiences but not feeling safe to disclose these experiences to your partner, we can begin to break this Loop and create a Positive Velcro Loop. The first step is having the awareness that change is needed, that you are stuck in a Negative Velcro Loop and there is a healthier, better way to be interacting with your partner.
Figuring out if you are in this Loop means you have to pay attention to the interactions, or lack thereof, you and your partner are having. To assess if you are indeed in this loop, here are questions you can ask yourself, and your partner. When you feel a void (not truly feeling your experiences) in the relationship, do you like your partner, do you feel yourself closed off, do you feel the safety of getting your needs met by your partner, what happens when you voice your concerns, what happens when you make the changes, do you feel permission to get the void filled either by yourself or with the help of your partner, are there times when you feel differently, the same? In other words, is there room in your routine to safely make adjustments? Do you tend to blame your partner for issues that are yours? Do you feel safe disclosing and exploring your issues with your partner so that you may better process them or do you tend to place them on your partner and expect your partner to change? Are there roadblocks to getting on a deeper level with your partner? These roadblocks can be issues such as trust, work schedule, children’s schedule, avoidance, and/or lack of awareness.
The next step is preparing yourself to achieve the change because it is scary and it is going to make you uncomfortable. Unless both of you are aware of the changes that need to be made, you will most likely meet with resistance from your partner. Your partner will probably not change readily with you. You’re going to have to guide them and meet them where they are. This preparation can start the process of sharing your experiences by validating one another’s fear of the change that is about to come. The next step in breaking your Loop is wanting the change. Some people are well aware that they are in a Loop but find it comforting due to its routine. From the time we were babies, we have been trained to put ourselves on a schedule: eat, sleep, play, repeat. When we know what to expect, it can be comfortable. In order to break the Loop we have to be okay with being uncomfortable for a while in order to create the new patterns that are healthier for our partner and ourselves. You can help yourself in this process by finding the familiar in the unfamiliar.
Now the change comes. You must have patience. Your Loop has developed over time and therefore is not going to change over night. You have to find the willpower and inner strength to stick with it. Chances are it is going to get worse before it gets better. When it starts to become difficult you’re going to have to trust in yourself that you know what you’re doing. It will provide clarity. Again remind yourself to be patient. Start by making small changes. When your partner starts to blame or resist you (this is the resistance), you will have the self-control to ask them what is going on instead of becoming defensive. See if you notice a change in your interactions. Instead of blaming your partner for something, ask yourself what is going on for you in that moment. Is there a vulnerability that you could share with your partner? Take the first step to be vulnerable with them.
If there are no issues of blaming and defensiveness but you find yourself stuck in a mundane routine, work to get on that deeper level where you can feel permission to share your experiences with your partner. Where you would keep your needs or thoughts to yourself or share them with a friend or different family member, share them with your partner. Keep the work and children data out of it and focus on the experience of these things by being present and mindful of what it was like for you and how it felt. Try to concentrate on yourselves in the conversation. During your conversation or afterwards, take a few moments and feel what you’re feeling in your body. Articulate the emotion in all senses of yourself to your partner. For example you could say “this conversation feels really good to me right now” (I feel very connected, I feel safe) or “there is something missing in this conversation” (I feel distant, I need you to hold me while we talk). This will help you to stay in the Here and Now (the present).
Here are 10 lead lines that you can use to deepen this conversation:
- What touched/scared/hurt/excited/elated me…
- To protect myself from those feelings I…
- To try to get more of those feelings I…
- What I need from you…
- My body felt…
- What I liked/did not like about it was…
- Where I’m still confused is…
- I knew I was safe when…
- What I was able to give myself in that moment was…
- What gave me clarity…
The next step is to allow the change and embrace it. So often we do not see immediate results, so we go back to the way it used to be. Again, brace yourself; it is going to get worse before it gets better. Anytime there is a change in routine, people’s natural tendency is to go back to their old habits. They are hard to break, whether they are good or bad, and it is going to take a conscious effort for you to maintain the change and to bring your partner along. Be patient. Acknowledge the small changes, as they can lead to bigger changes down the road. A key component to the Loop is that you’re closed of or shut down to something. The components vary as to what you are closed off or shut down to. It could be your partner or your own experience. When people get stuck in these Loops, there are walls blocking them from moving forward. Try to be in the present and ask yourself what you are experiencing in this moment. You can also use the lens of your partner and check in with them and see if where you are is getting closer to where they are and if you need to change your realities. Remember your goal, breaking the negative velcro loop.