Regaining Confidence and Control After Premature Ejaculation: Do you feel like you are haunted by your sexual performance? Are you constantly worried about whether or not you will be able to get and maintain an erection or that maybe you will ejaculate too quickly? Maybe you are afraid to pursue a new sexual relationship because you are worried that you may not be able to please your partner. These thoughts can become all-consuming and can almost become self-fulfilling; you are thinking that you are not going to be able to keep an erection so you rush into sex, frantic and bogged down by your own thoughts and fears about performing you are not present in your sexual encounter, so before you know it you have ejaculated too quickly. If this sounds familiar you may be thinking that there is nothing that you can do to fix this problem—right? Well you are wrong, there are many things you can do to regain your confidence so your bedroom blunders do not control you. Many men become too overwhelmed by the pleasurable sensations and emotions that accompany vaginal or anal penetration so it is difficult for these men to feel like the have control over their erections. This over excitement may just be one thing that leads to premature ejaculation or the loss of an erection, but if you practice skills that get your more in touch with your body then you will get a better understanding of what is going on for you and thus will have greater control over your erection, which will ultimately contribute to increased sexual confidence.
Now you must be thinking: “Yeah sure, that all sounds swell, but I don’t understand how this will ACTUALLY help me.” But lets look at this from a non-sexual perspective; you didn’t learn to walk or read without practicing first and taking each step piece by piece. This is no different with sex. You have to practice and work on building the skill. An example that most men can relate to is how you learned to push in your body while exercising. You know that you have to build slowly and warm-up as to not overexert yourself or injure a muscle. It takes time and a complete understanding of your body. How do you know when to push your body into completing a rep when you are really tired versus ending an exercise session early because your body truly cannot keep going? Your body tells you things; it is your job to listen to it. Here are some remedial steps that you could use to develop more control over your erection:
Remedial Approach A—Masturbation Without Fantasy:
This may seem impossible when you first think about it: “How am I suppose to masturbate without fantasizing? I always use my favorite porn DVD or magazine to masturbate.” Well, the purpose of this exercise is to focus on the sensations you are experiencing while you masturbate, if you use fantasy this will distract you from truly feeling different sensations and understanding what you like the best. Additionally, if you are engaging in masturbation with fantasy you are developing sensations that are based on your brain, not on touch. Developing sensations through touch will be beneficial to you in this instance because that is how partners engage you—with touch.
In this exercise it is best to choose four different sensations or strokes to try out. First start out with a soft stroke of the shaft for about five minutes. Next only stimulate the head of the penis for five minutes. From there progress onto more vigorous stroking of the penis for five minutes, using only two fingers. Then advance to hard stroking of the penis with your entire hand. As you are experiencing each of type of stimulation think about what feels best to you—which types of touches make you feel more or less in control? Where do you feel the pleasurable sensation in your body? Did you prefer to have a particular area of your penis touched more? Would you like any other part of your body stimulated or stroked too (i.e. nipples, butt, scalp, etc.)?
Each time you do this exercise try to introduce a new type of stimulation and compare it to the other types of touch you have practiced. This is a great technique to use to get yourself more in-tune to your body and its excitement reaction. Now that you have been able to identify what type of touch you like, pair the masturbation without fantasy exercise with an arousal scale.
Remedial Approach B—Body Awareness (Penis Awareness):Â
To help develop this awareness of your penis you can use an arousal scale. This scale is to create an experience where you are focusing on the sensations you are experiencing as you become increasingly aroused and reach the point of orgasm. An arousal scale will help you to concretely understand what is going on with your body's physical reaction as well as what your are thinking and feeling as you progressively get more and more aroused. The arousal scale is designed to start at zero (where you feel no arousal at all) and progress, by tens, to one hundred (the point of no return, or ejaculation). Vertically on a piece of paper write down each increment of ten, starting zero, ten, twenty, etc., all the way to 100, labeling 100 “The Point of No Return.” Now at each number you will record what you are physically experiencing, thinking and feeling sexually. For example starting at zero you maybe experiencing no arousal, not thinking of sex at all, watching a Philly's game. Then as you begin to think about sex 20 might be increased heart rate and a tingling feeling in your groin. The list continues on by tens, perhaps at 50 you find yourself experiencing stimulation, either by your partner or yourself. The arousal scale varies for each individual and is based solely on what you find enjoyable. You should try to fill out an arousal scale a couple of times and note the changes as you begin to notice more sensations and become more in touch with your body.
Remedial Approach C—The Pep Talk:Â
In this approach you will be working to replace anxiety with constructive thoughts. The easiest way to do this is simply do not psych yourself out! Start to focus on reality and give yourself a pep talk all, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have great sex every time and that is not realistic. So when you start to think negative thoughts about your sexual performance replace those thoughts with more realistic ones. For example if you think: “If I cum too quickly my partner might think this is a reflection on them” replace that phrase with something more realistic like: “Practice makes perfect.” Next think about where that message comes from for you. Ask yourself: “Why is that the first thing I think?” “Where did I get that message?” “Who taught me what it means to be a man? What did they say? Question where your self-criticalness comes from.
Stop thinking about the worse possible scenario, you are letting your mind run away with you. Instead, step back and think about all of the positives of your sex life. Can I share with my partner my fear? Am I enjoying myself? You can instead tell yourself that you are having fun, expressing yourself with another person, and enjoying a great feeling. Those are all great reasons to have sex. There is more to sex than simply how long you last. You need to practice telling yourself these positive messages and eventually you will reduce the negative messages there by enabling you to engage and learn to be present as the sexual being you want to be.
Remedial Approach D—Reality Check:
It can be difficult not to get caught up in the experience of sex with a partner, but it is crucial that you stay grounded in the sensations that you are experiencing. To do this, focus on sensations you are experiencing—what kind of touch YOU like best. Do you like your penis to be stroked hard or soft? Is the head of the penis more sensitive then the shaft? Do you like to have your testicles held or perhaps your nipples caressed? Experience the entire sensation—find out what feels good in the moment and go with it. You will find that this creates a different dynamic then you are use to, as this requires you to indulge in pleasure for yourself. Remember, this is not a bad thing. You are allowed to be selfish in bed every now and then. The reality is that good sex is when an individual knows his or her own body. You can use the information you have gathered from the remedial approaches above (masturbation without fantasy, body awareness, and the pep-talk) to understand your body and your anxieties about sex better. Use this knowledge to tell your partner what you would like to experience and how they can help you achieve these sensations.
By practicing these techniques and working on the way you perceive your sexual experiences you will begin to notice a difference in your sexual interactions. By utilizing body awareness, masturbation without fantasy, the pep-talk, and the reality check about ten times you will increase expertise and awareness as to how your body reacts. Remember, change does not happen over night. It is important to remain positive while you are working towards change. I also strongly encourage that you talk to your partner while you are working through this. They can be there to help you are provide support. Their positive feedback can also be crucial to changing your negative thoughts; they can instead provide something positive and realistic for you to believe. It is very important to pair the physical exercises (i.e. masturbation without fantasy and body awareness) with the more mental/emotional exercises (i.e. the pep-talk and the reality check) because sex is not just physical—there is a very large emotional component. Working on both areas allows you to eliminate the negative thoughts and instead enjoy the pleasurable sensations as well as the positive emotions that accompany sex.