Premature Ejaculation Correction Exercise: Hand Job with Partner Participation

Hand Job with Partner Participation - initially developed to treat premature ejaculation, but is also simply a fun exercise

Idea behind partner participation in overcoming premature ejaculation

If you have premature ejaculation you are probably very aware of the emotional result of your experience.  Such feelings that may arise are guilt, shame, anxiety, anger, humiliation, worthlessness, and lack of control.  If your partner response to your terse ejaculation in a negative way, their reaction  may exacerbate your negative feelings.  Your partner's response may be due to their own frustration and inability to “fix” your problem.  This exercise is designed to increase your intimacy, gain awareness of your sensations, communicate effectively with your partner, and allow your partner to gain insight to your frustrations by being an active participant in aiding you in your journey to last longer.

Has your partner ever responded to your premature ejaculation in any of these ways:

1. Commented, “That's it?”
2. Became silent and dismissive after sexual intercourse
3. Chuckled
4. Made derogatory comments
5. Said it was okay that you came to fast yet behaved as if it was not
6. Avoided future sexual intimacy opportunities with you
7. Began to withdraw emotionally and physically
8. Became more interested in your ability to come too fast
9. Felt flattered by the fact that you couldn't contain your excitement
10. Refused to stimulate you
11. Gone into fix it mode
12. Asked too many personal questions

These are some typical responses from partner's of men who experience premature ejaculation.  Notice that some of these reaction are positive responses to the premature ejaculation experience; however, this technique is designed for the negative responses.  Some women may assume that you can control your ejaculation, or that you are selfish and do not want to tend to their needs.  This misconception may lead some women to respond in such manners mentioned earlier.  It may be helpful to first start with the communication piece.

Keep in mind that some men who experience premature ejaculation may suffer from the loss of sensations and limited  experience.  By this I am referring to the closeness, intimacy, feeling of sensations, and their few experiences that accompany sexual intimacy (such as experimentation with different positions, lubricants, apparatuses, confidence, etc.).  This exercise will help you learn to focus in on your sensations, get a better understanding of your body, and open up your sensations to different experiences.

It may also be helpful to keep in mind that the core issue that most men who suffer from premature ejaculation is anxiety.  During sexual experiences some men tend to consistently think about how their penis is failing at doing its job, or how they will not be able to perform and please their partner.  This cycle tends to consume some men to the point that approaching a sexual circumstance can precipitate stress. leading to a disconnect to their partner and a failed attempt at lasting longer.

A: Communicate to eradicate...misconceptions

After coming to terms with how your premature ejaculation is interfering with you and your partner's intimacy, have a conversation with your partner regarding their experience when having sex with you.  It may be helpful to be open to your partner's frustrations as well as understanding what it is like for them.  For example, “I know that you have been frustrated and I am working hard to make our experience better.  At this point I do not have control over how fast I orgasm, but I am seeking help to gain back control and last longer. I ask if you could be patient with me during this time.”

Starting this conversation will allow your partner to recognize that you are aware of the issue and and are working to resolve it.  Begin by discussing your own experience and the story you make up about why you feel you are not able to last longer.  Then ask your partner about their perception and the story she makes up about why you cannot last longer.  Discussing this first will help to dispel misconceptions, such as you having control over your orgasm, and help your partner gain insight on your struggle.  After this conversation, tell your partner that it will be helpful for you to practice the control exercises with them.  Asking your partner may give them the extra incentive to help you problem solve your premature ejaculation as well as a sense of pride knowing that they are playing a part in “fixing” the problem.

B: Lubricate and masturbate

After you become erect, apply enough lubricant (water, oil or silicone base, saliva) to cover your penis tip to the shaft.  As you use one type of lubricant to massage your penis, mentally describe the feeling of the sensations. Do I like the way this one feels? Did it make me orgasm faster than usual?  Do I prefer a generous amount of lubrication or minimal? Which amount of lubrication does my penis get the best sensation from?  After trying one type of lubrication, switch to a different base and complete this exercise again.

After completing this exercise answer these following questions (adapted from premature ejaculation exercise 2):

1. What is the difference in sensation on my penis with each lubricant?
2. Which base do I like the best?
3. Which one gives me the best penile sensation?
4. Which gives the most pleasure throughout my masturbation experience?
5. Did I come faster using one lubricant than the other?
6. How was this experience different than masturbating without lubricants?
7. In what way was the absence of friction different during masturbating with lubricants?

C: Partner Participation

This next step includes joining your partner in the experience.  This step will require patience as it will not be done in one day or week. This part of the treatment will allow you to connect mentally and physically to your experience and will include different stimuli that will give you new experiences and awareness, leading to the ability to be present with your partner and subside your anxieties.  With this step you will have to communicate clearly with your partner during the exercise.

Step one: Elation with masturbation

Allow your partner to masturbate you without lubrication.  As you enjoy the sensations notice when you are reaching the “point of no return”.  Ask your partner to stroke your penis slow and focus on how that sensation feels.  Afterward, ask them to stroke your penis with a medium speed followed by fast speed.

1. Which intensity felt best?
2. Was it different from when you masturbated at the different speeds?
3. Did you notice a difference in how your penis felt during the different speeds?
4. Did your partner masturbating you feel different from when you masturbated yourself?
5. What were the differences you experienced in the way your partner's hand felt on your penis than how yours feels on your penis?
6. Did you come faster or about the same from when you masturbated yourself?
7. Is there a difference in duration from when your partner masturbates you than when you engaged in sexual intercourse in the past?

Step two: Lubrication, Masturbation, and partner participation

Allow your partner to lubricate you choosing one lubrication for every masturbation experience (four different masturbation experiences due to four types of lubricants).  After experimenting with the lubricants, try modifying them to get new sensations.  For example, try using lotions or water from shower; use sand-like textures combined with the lubricants to see if you notice a difference in sensations; also try warming or chilling the different types of lubricants.  As your partner  masturbates you, your sole focus should be on the sensations that you are experiencing.  After completing steps one and two, you should be able to answer these questions:

1. What makes you aroused?
2. Do you like it faster or slower?
3. At what point do you like it fast or slow?
4. Did your heart beat increase?
5. Are you sweating?
6. Was there a difference in sensation from when I masturbated solo than when my partner masturbated me?
7. Did I have an orgasm faster when my partner masturbated me?
8. Was the rate of ejaculation time similar during solo and partner masturbation?
9. Did I ejaculate faster when my partner used a particular lubricant?
10. Which lubricant felt the best when my partner masturbated me?
11. Was the lubricant that gave the best sensation when my partner masturbated me the same for when I masturbated myself?
12. Was there a difference in the sensation of how my partner's hand felt against my penis rather than mine?

Step three: Learning to slow down your ejaculation

After completing the above exercises, you now have the opportunity to learn to slow your orgasm down.  Have your partner masturbate you with the lubricant of your choice.  This time you will complete partner participation again but this time you will cue your partner on your experience using the arousal scale (0-flaccid penis to 100-ejaculation).  The arousal scale corresponds to actual numbers that match your sensations.  For instance, if you are feeling your heart rate increasing and your body becoming warm, you would indicate “65” and so on.  When you get to 70 tell your partner and allow them to stop massaging your penis.  When you get back to 0 resume the process again as you indicate your sensations through the arousal scale.  When you get back to 65 stop until you reach 0.  Continue this for three to five times.

The last time continue until orgasm. After having your partner masturbate you using the different lubricants and intensity, it is time to practice lasting longer. Have your partner masturbate you with your favorite lubricant.  When you feel the urge to orgasm, have your partner stop until the sensation subsides and then reengage.  Allow yourself to feel the sensations and concentrate on lasting longer.  You may have to communicate to your partner to “stop” massaging when you feel you are reaching the point of no return.  When doing this, concentrate on the muscles that stop you from having an orgasm (same muscle that stops you from a urinating in a steady stream) so that you can eventually isolate that muscle to stop in future intercourse situations then answer these questions:

1. Did you ejaculate faster, slower, same? During which experience?
2. Were you able to control the sensation?  If so, during which experience?
3. Are you able to control your ejaculation?
4. Are you able to slow down your ejaculation?
5. What did you do to slow down your excitement?

If you were able to slow down you ejaculation congratulate yourself.  That means that you were able to connect with your experienced sensations and slow your process down.  If you were not able to slow it down, don't get discouraged!  Try the exercise again and concentrate on being present with your sensations.  Assess what is distracting you or clouding your mind when you are completing the exercise.  It may be helpful to cycle through the experienced focused questions in your mind as you are experiencing the different sensations in order for you to stay focused on your pleasurable sensations.

Practicing this techniques with your partner will allow you to become aware of your sensations and communicate with your partner what you are experiencing.  This will help in the long run during intercourse because you will be able to understand your body's sensations and will be able to communicate to your partner when you are nearing orgasm and if they would need to slow down or if you would need to stop to please them until you reach 0 again.