Better Sex
Learn the skills to have better sex without ever actually meeting with a sex therapist in person.
REQUIRED SKILLS to make BETTER SEX
PACE YOURSELF: One of the most important skills to learn is how to pace yourself. Meaning, each time you learn a new sex trick, tip or idea only introduce one new idea/concept per week into your lovemaking with your lover. We suggest this for two reasons. First, there is a learning curve to becoming a great lover. Just because you learned about a new idea doesn't mean you are good at implementing the idea. Each new tip, trick or idea needs practice. Spending a week on practicing a particular activity/ skill allows sufficient time to fully explore it. Reason number two is that by pacing out the new idea(s) you suddenly become viewed as 'creative'. Each time your lover has sex with you, you are doing something new! Furthermore, by continually trying out new behaviors, and spending the time to fine-tune your technical skill at implementation you are more likely to stumble upon a good idea that can be used again (and again) thus being seen as technically competent. His or her perception of your lovemaking skills is critical. If she/he thinks you are creative and technically sound, he/she will be anticipating what might come next, thus making her/him more easily excitable. Anticipation is a key piece of sexual arousal. Imagine the famous Pavlov experiment, where Pavlov was able to make a dog salivate simply by hearing the bell ring. This is what you are trying to do to your partner, you want him/her to lubricate, or get hard without your having to actually do anything.
DEVELOP A SEXUAL VOICE: Strong voices captivate their partner's mind. Good sex not only engages the body but the brain. Sexual voices come in all shapes and sizes. Dirty talk (I want your hard cock in my cunt). Sexy talk (I am getting really turned on watching you masturbate, or I love the way you are using your fingers). Sex Positive Talk (Relax, I could be here all night. Simply touching you is enough for me). Wild Talk (create a sexual fantasy that is involving both of you). Sex Negative Talk (you have been a bad boy for getting too hard. Now you are going to be punished). Playful Talk (while out to dinner with friends, whisper to your husband "I am not wearing any underwear below my skirt." The ideas are endless. If you are getting stuck, try reading some sexy books out loud with your partner. While in some ways this might be an embarrassing task, it has the potential to open an entirely new discourse on sexuality. Reading engages the brain. Additionally, talking about what you read can give you good insight into your partner's likes, dislikes and desires, hopes and fears, and of course some new ideas of sexual behaviors that the two of you never even considered. And of course, you are practicing saying all kinds of words together out loud that you are not used to saying.
SEXUAL COMMUNICATION: Request feedback. While words can be useful, request feedback through the senses. If you are interested in engaging your use of sound, ask your partner to give feedback to your sexually touching him or her by making sexual noises. The louder the noise the more it means that she likes it. Encourage her to be theatrical. Strong feedback will make your job as a giver easier. Your goal is to please. To learn more about this topic, we have designed a tip specifically on this topic.
LEARN ABOUT YOUR PARTNER's HIDDEN SEXUAL DESIRES: People touch you the way they want to be touched. Thus, play the mirror game in the bedroom. Touch your partner, the way your partner normally touches you, and almost by default you will have discovered your partner's favorite likes and dislikes. When mirroring them try to focus on matching their emotional energy, their intensity, the pressure that they use to touch you, and lastly, always try to stay a minute behind them. In the mirror game, they need to be in the lead. Do not tell them that this is what you are doing. You want their experience to feel organic.
LEARN ABOUT YOUR OWN SEXUAL BELIEFS
PLAN YOUR NEXT SEXUAL ENCOUNTER: But do not tell your lover that you had the evening all planned out. Thus you will have created the illusion that sex just spontaneously happened because of your magical connection. Often in long term relationships, sex becomes routine because each of you knows the other person's preferences and life gets scheduled. However, back in the early stages of dating each of you knew that you would be open to sex, but simply never directly shared that information with the other person. To physically tell the person that you have nothing planned the next morning because you were hoping to spend the night together might be seen as "too forward" or "too needy, " Thus, sex felt spontaneous.
VISUAL STIMULATION: Rent some sex educational sex videos. Some people learn better by watching others. Additionally, because the films are educational the people in the films typically are reflective of the population at large and thus more people can relate to them. Additionally, by watching films together a new type of conversation may emerge. Lastly, watching porn together could be erotic. Porn, unlike educational sex videos, is designed to be sexy. While, as a therapist, I am a big believer in talking, sometimes the adage, a picture is worth a thousand words, is accurate.
READ BOOKS on how to become a better lover: The benefit of reading is the exposure to new ideas. Often we are limited by our level of creativity. We can always benefit from other people's knowledge. There is no need to recreate the wheel. People have been having sex longer than anyone of us has been alive.
Read some self help tips on becoming a better lover, this website is packed with tips, tricks and ideas. If you are seeking general sex tips if you need help overcoming a specific problem like premature ejaculation or you are clueless as to how to have an orgasm or maybe you simply have questions about sexual orientation For a full scope of our self help tips.