Experiencing
In the bedroom does your lover know what your experience of being intimate with him is like? Does your lover know if you think he is good in bed? Could he accurately name what you are experiencing? Could he accurately name what you are sexually experiencing in the bedroom with him? If you believe your partner is clueless and you want to make your sexual communication stronger try sharing with him or her the following answer(s) to the below questions:
- What I am experiencing in my body when I imagine becoming intimate with you is?
- What do I do to initiate sex is?
- The way I want my lover to initiate sex with me is...
- When my partner does X I am most likely to become orgasmic.
- My partner is particularly skilled at X in the bedroom.
- My favorite sexual position with my partner is...
- My top memories of being intimate with my partner are...
- I am most able to be vulnerable when my partner does...
- I wish my partner would do X.
- The area of our sex life that I am most proud of is...
- The area of our sex life I am most disappointed by is...
General Sexuality
- My sex drive is...
- I am most orgasmic when...
- My favorite part about foreplay is X and then what I am experiencing is...
- My favorite part about intercourse is X and then what I am experiencing is...
- I am most turned on when X and then what I am experiencing is...
- I feel sexy when X and then what I am experiencing is...
- The times I feel sexually secure are when...
- My sexual fantasies are the following...
- What I look forward to most about being sexual with myself is...
- What I look forward to most about being sexual with my lover is...
- My favorite way of giving in the bedroom is...
- My favorite way of receiving in the bedroom is...
- My least favorite sexual behaviors are...
- The areas in intimacy that I would like to develop more is...
- My sexual vulnerability stems from X and looks like X.
If you have ever experienced sexual problems with your lover try answering the following questions. This will help your partner develop a better understanding of how you are experiencing the situation.
Painful Intercourse
- When did sex become painful?
- Does the pain change depending upon where you are in your menstrual cycle?
- Does the level of pain shift depending upon how aroused you are prior to intercourse or during penetration?
- Are you experiencing any other negative symptoms? If so, what are they?
- The frequency of pain during intercourse is...
- Situations that make the pain during intercourse worse are...
- The way painful intercourse is impact emotional intimacy with my partner is...
- The way painful intercourse is impacting my sexual desire(s) and sexual behavior(s) are...
- What is most sexually pleasurable to me is?
- My sex drive historically has been X and now it is X.
- My sex drive with you is...
- My sex drive I in the past month has been...
- My hope for our sexual life is...
- The pain is most intense when...
- How I hide the pain from you is...
- I am most likely to experience pain when...
- Where I feel the pain is...
- What I wish from you is...
- What I need from you is...
- Realistically, what I expect to happen is...
- What I am working towards is...
* If you are having difficulty answering the above questions you might benefit from the following tip: Mindful Sex
Sharing the above information will help your partner gain a better understanding of what you are experiencing. Now the two of you will be in a better position to brainstorm together ways to strengthen your sexual experiences with each other and minimize the sexual pain that you are experiencing. Ideas include, but are not limited to:
- Increasing foreplay
- Increasing emotional intimacy
- Sensate focus exercises — to help the two of you learn how to please one another more effectively
- The use of lubricant (e.g. KY Jelly or Astroglide) during intercourse
- Vaginal massage prior to intercourse
- Relaxing your vaginal muscles, including, but not limited to deep breathing
- Outercourse (kissing, manual stimulation, oral sex, sexy stories, etc)
- Self-hypnosis
- Getting tested for STI's from your GYN
- Getting tested for medical abnormalities from your GYN